How happy I am that I am gone! My dear friend, what a thing is the heart of man! To leave you, from whom I have been inseparable, whom I love so dearly, and yet to feel happy! I know you will forgive me. Have not other attachments been specially appointed by fate to torment a head like mine? Poor Leonora! and yet I was not to blame. Was it my fault, that, whilst the peculiar charms of her sister afforded me an agreeable entertainment, a passion for me was engendered in her feeble heart? And yet am I wholly blameless? Did I not encourage her emotions? Did I not feel charmed at those truly genuine expressions of nature, which, though but little mirthful in reality, so often amused us? Did I not—but oh! what is man, that he dares so to accuse himself? My dear friend I promise you I will improve; I will no longer, as has ever been my habit, continue to ruminate on every petty vexation which fortune may dispense; I will enjoy the present, and the past shall be for me the past. No doubt you are right, my best of friends, there would be far less suffering amongst mankind, if men—and God knows why they are so fashioned—did not employ their imaginations so assiduously in recalling the memory of past sorrow, instead of bearing their present lot with equanimity.
Be kind enough to inform my mother that I shall attend to her business to the best of my ability, and shall give her the earliest information about it. I have seen my aunt, and find that she is very far from being the disagreeable person our friends allege her to be. She is a lively, cheerful woman, with the best of hearts. I explained to her my mother’s wrongs with regard to that part of her portion which has been withheld from her. She told me the motives and reasons of her own conduct, and the terms on which she is willing to give up the whole, and to do more than we have asked. In short, I cannot write further upon this subject at present; only assure my mother that all will go on well. And I have again observed, my dear friend, in this trifling affair, that misunderstandings and neglect occasion more mischief in the world than even malice and wickedness. At all events, the two latter are of less frequent occurrence.
In other respects I am very well off here. Solitude in this terrestrial paradise is a genial balm to my mind, and the young spring cheers with its bounteous promises my oftentimes misgiving heart. Every tree, every bush, is full of flowers; and one might wish himself transformed into a butterfly, to float about in this ocean of perfume, and find his whole existence in it.
The town itself is disagreeable; but then, all around, you find an inexpressible beauty of nature. This induced the late Count M to lay out a garden on one of the sloping hills which here intersect each other with the most charming variety, and form the most lovely valleys. The garden is simple; and it is easy to perceive, even upon your first entrance, that the plan was not designed by a scientific gardener, but by a man who wished to give himself up here to the enjoyment of his own sensitive heart. Many a tear have I already shed to the memory of its departed master in a summerhouse which is now reduced to ruins, but was his favourite resort, and now is mine. I shall soon be master of the place. The gardener has become attached to me within the last few days, and he will lose nothing thereby.
我多高興啊,我終于走了!好朋友,人心真不知是個什么東西!我離開了你,離開了自己相愛相親、朝夕不舍的人,竟然會感到高興!我知道你會原諒我。命運偏偏讓我結(jié)識了另外幾個人,不正是為了來擾亂我這顆心么?可憐的蕾奧諾萊!但我是沒有錯的。她妹妹的非凡魅力令我賞心悅目,卻使她可憐的心中產(chǎn)生了痛苦,這難道怪得著我?然而——我就真的完全沒有錯嗎?難道我不曾助長她的感情?難道當(dāng)她自自然然地流露真情時,我不曾沾沾自喜,并和大家一起拿這原本不可笑的事情來取笑她么?難道我?……唉,這人啊真是一種慣會自怨自責(zé)的怪物!而我,親愛的朋友,我向你保證,我一定改弦更張,絕不再像已往那樣,總把命運加給我們的一點兒痛苦拿來反復(fù)咀嚼回味,而要樂享眼前,過去了的就讓它過去。是的,好朋友,誠如你所說:人們要是不這么沒完沒了地運用想象力去喚起昔日痛苦的回憶——上帝才知道為什么把人造成這個樣子——,而是多多考慮考慮如何挨過眼前的話,人間的痛苦本來就會少一些的。
勞駕告訴我母親,我將盡力料理好她那件事,并盡快回信給她。我已見過我姑媽了,發(fā)現(xiàn)她遠非我們在家里所講的那么個刁婆子,而是一位熱心快腸的夫人。我向她轉(zhuǎn)達了我母親對于扣下一部分遺產(chǎn)未分的不滿;她則對我說明了這樣做的種種理由和原因,以及要在什么條件下,她才準(zhǔn)備全部交出來,也就是說比我們要求的還多……簡單講,我現(xiàn)在還不想具體談什么;請轉(zhuǎn)告我母親,一切都會好起來的。就在這件小小的事情上,好朋友,我再次發(fā)現(xiàn)誤解與成見,往往會在世界上鑄成比詭詐與惡意更多的過錯。至少可以肯定,后兩者要罕見一些。
再就是我在此間非常愉快。這個樂園一般的地方,它的岑寂正好是醫(yī)治我這顆心的靈丹妙藥;還有眼前的大好春光,它的溫暖已充滿我這顆時常寒栗的心。每一株樹,每一排籬笆上,都是繁花盛開;人真想變成一只金甲蟲,到那馥郁的香海中去遨游,去盡情地吸露吮蜜。
城市本身并不舒適,四郊的自然環(huán)境卻說不出的美妙。也許這才打動了已故的M伯爵,把他的花園建在一座小丘上。類似的小丘在城外交錯縱橫,千姿百態(tài),美不勝收,丘與丘之間還構(gòu)成一道道幽靜宜人的峽谷。花園布局單純,一進門便可感覺出繪制藍圖的并非某位高明的園藝家,而是一顆渴望獨享幽寂的敏感的心。對于這座廢園的故主人,我在那間業(yè)已破敗的小亭中灑下了不少追懷的眼淚;這小亭子是他生前最愛待的地方,如今也成了我流連忘返的所在。不久我便會成為這花園的主人;沒幾天工夫看園人已對我產(chǎn)生好感,再說我搬進去也虧待不了他。
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