演講MP3+雙語文稿:3種練習(xí)禮貌的方法

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[演講者及介紹]Steven Petrow

記者，作家記者史蒂文·佩羅(Steven Petrow)寫的是關(guān)于禮貌和禮儀的文章。

[演講主題]3種練習(xí)禮貌的方法

[中英文字幕]

翻譯者 Sijia Chen

00:13

I want to start by telling you two thingsabout myself before I get into the full talk. And the first is that I've beenwriting about manners and civility for more than 20 years, as a book author andas a magazine columnist. The second is, my friends know to be very wary ofinviting me over for dinner because any faux pas that happens at the table islikely to wind up in print.

在我開始正式的演講之前，我想首先告訴你們關(guān)于我的兩件事。第一件事是作為書作者和雜志專欄作者，20多年來，我一直在寫關(guān)于禮儀和文明的文章。第二件事是，我的朋友都知道邀請我共進(jìn)晚餐要十分小心，因為在餐桌前發(fā)生的任何失禮都很有可能被白紙黑字記錄下來。

00:37

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

00:38

So, I'm watching, I can see back there andI can see through the portals, too.

所以，我在看，我可以看到后面，也可以看到出入口。

00:42

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

00:44

So, speaking of dinner parties, I want totake you back to 2015 and a dinner party that I went to. To place this in time,this was when Caitlyn Jenner was first coming out, shedding her identity as aKardashian and moving into her life as a transgender activist. I wrote a columnin People magazine at the time, talking about the importance of names and hownames are our identity. And that to misuse them or not to use them erases us ina certain way. And especially with Caitlyn Jenner, I talked about Caitlyn, butalso the use of her pronouns. Her pronouns.

所以，談到晚宴，我想把你們帶回到2015年我去過的一個晚宴。具體時間是，凱特琳·詹娜首次出柜，脫離她作為卡戴珊家族成員的身份，并搖身一變成為了跨性別活動家之時。我當(dāng)時在《人物》雜志上寫了一篇專欄，談?wù)撁值闹匾裕约盀槭裁疵旨次覀兊纳矸?。還有為什么誤用或不用它們會在某種方式上抹去我們自身。尤其是對凱特琳·詹納來說，我談到了凱特琳，也談到了在稱呼她時所使用的各種代詞。各種代詞。

01:21

So I'm at this dinner -- delicious,wonderful, fun -- when my host goes on a rant about Caitlyn Jenner. And she issaying that it is disrespectful for Caitlyn Jenner to force her to use a newname and to use these new pronouns. She's not buying it, and I'm listening, andbecause I do meditation, I took my sacred pause before I responded.

當(dāng)宴會女主人開始大聲嚷嚷著抱怨起凱特琳·詹納時，我正在享用本來可口、美妙、有趣的晚餐。她說凱特琳·詹納很無禮，因為凱特琳·詹納強(qiáng)迫她使用一個新名字還有各種新代詞。她可不買賬。我聽著她。因為我練習(xí)冥想，所以在回應(yīng)她前我先做了個神圣的停頓。

01:47

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

01:50

And I reminded her that when she gotmarried, she changed her name, and that she took the name of her husband. Andthat's the name all of us now use. We don't use it just because it's her legalname, but we use it because it's respectful. Ditto for Miss Jenner. She didn'tbuy it and we didn't speak for years.

我提醒她，當(dāng)她結(jié)婚的時候，她改了她的名字，轉(zhuǎn)而冠以夫姓。而她改名后的名字也正是我們現(xiàn)在稱呼她用的名字。我們這樣做不僅僅是因為這是她的法定名字，更是因為這樣做才是尊重她的。同樣的道理自然也適用于詹納小姐。但她不買賬，我們之后幾年都不說話。

02:09

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

02:11

So ... I am known as the Civilist. And it'sprobably a word that you're not that familiar with. It's not in common parlanceand it comes from the Latin and the French, and it means an individual whotries to live by a moral code, who is striving to be a good citizen. The word"civility" is derived from that, and the original definition ofcivility is citizens willing to give of themselves for the good of the city,for the good of the commonwealth, for the larger good.

總之，我被稱為文明主義者。這個詞你可能不熟悉。它不屬于日常用語。它來自拉丁語和法語。這個詞指一個人試圖遵守道德準(zhǔn)則，努力做一個好公民?！癱ivility”（文明）這個詞來源于它。而“civility”（文明）這個詞的本意是指：愿意為了城市的利益，為了集體的利益為了更大的利益而奉獻(xiàn)自己的公民。

02:45

So, in this talk, you're going to learnthree new ways to be civil, I hope, and it will be according to the originaldefinition of civility. My first problem is: civility is an obsolete word. Mysecond problem is: civility has become a dirty word in this country. And thatis whether you lean right or whether you lean left. And in part, that's becausemodern usage equates civility with decorum, with formal politeness, formalbehavior. We've gotten away from the idea of citizenship.

那么，在這個演講中，你將依照“civility”（文明）的本意，學(xué)到三個新的講文明的方式，我期望。我遇到的的第一個問題是：“civility”（文明）是一個過時的詞。我遇到的的第二個問題是：“civility”（文明）在這個國家 已經(jīng)變成了一個骯臟的詞。它意味著你是右傾還是左傾。部分原因是由于在現(xiàn)代用法中“civility”（文明）等同于禮儀，表面的禮貌和外在的行為舉止，而與“citizenship”（公民義務(wù)與權(quán)利）切斷了聯(lián)系。

03:21

So, let me start by talking a little bitabout my friends on the right, who have conflated civility with what they callpolitical correctness. And to them, callouts for civility are really very muchlike what George Orwell wrote in "1984" -- he called it"newspeak." And this was an attempt to change the way we talk byforcibly changing the language that we use. To change our ideas by changing themeaning of words. And I think my dinner host might have had some of thatrattling around there. And I first personally understood, though, the right'sproblem with civility when I wrote a column about then-candidate Donald Trump.And he had just said he did not have time for total political correctness, andhe did not believe the country did either. And I took that to heart, it wasvery -- The audience was very engaged about that online, as you can imagine.There was a thousand responses, and this one stood out to me because it was representative:"Political correctness is a pathological system that lets liberalsdominate a conversation, label, demonize and shout down the opposition."So I think, to the right, civility translates into censure.

那么，讓我先談?wù)勎业挠遗膳笥褌?。他們把“civility”（文明）和一個他們稱之為“政治正確”的東西混淆了起來。對他們來說，呼吁“civility”（文明）非常類似于喬治·奧威爾在《1984》中描寫的，他稱之為“新話”的現(xiàn)象。所謂“新話”即試圖通過強(qiáng)行改變我們使用的語言 來改變我們說話的方式，通過改變詞語的意思來改變我們的思想。我那個喋喋不休的晚宴女主人大概就有點(diǎn)兒指責(zé)這一現(xiàn)象的意思。我第一次親身理解到右派與“civility”（文明）之間的沖突是在當(dāng)我寫一篇關(guān)于當(dāng)時是候選人的唐納德·特朗普的專欄時。他那時剛剛說過，他沒有時間去遵守完全的政治正確，他也不認(rèn)為美國有時間去遵守完全的政治正確。我把這個話銘記于心，它實在是……人們就此在網(wǎng)絡(luò)上非常積極地展開討論，你們可以想象。當(dāng)時有成百上千的回復(fù)，而這一回復(fù)在我看來非常醒目。因為它非常具有代表性。“政治正確性是一個病態(tài)的系統(tǒng)，它讓自由主義者占談話的主導(dǎo)地位，并通過標(biāo)簽化和妖魔化來打壓反對派?！彼?，我認(rèn)為對右派來說，“civility”(文明) 意味譴責(zé)。

04:41

So that's the right. Now, my friends on theleft also have a problem with it. And for example, there have been those whohave harassed Trump administration officials who support the President's borderwall. They've been called out as rude, they've been called out as nasty,they've been called out as worse. And after one such incident last year, eventhe Washington Post -- you know, left-leaning Washington Post -- wrote aneditorial and sided with decorum. And they argued that officials should beallowed to dine in peace. Hm. "You know, the wall is the real incivilityhere. The tear-gassing of kids, the separation of families." That's whatthe protestors say.

總之，這就是右派。不過，我的左派朋友們對于“civility”（文明）也有不滿。比如說，有的左派人士，他們曾騷擾那些支持總統(tǒng)在邊境建圍墻的特朗普政府官員們。他們被指責(zé)為粗魯，討人厭，或者更糟糕的詞。去年在一個沖突發(fā)生后，甚至連華盛頓郵報，你們懂的，左傾的華盛頓郵報，寫了一篇社論，呼吁克己復(fù)禮。他們主張政府官員們應(yīng)該被允許安心地吃晚飯。嗯……“要知道，在這件事里，圍墻才是真正的不文明。向兒童發(fā)射催淚瓦斯，拆散家庭。”抗議者們是這么說的。

05:26

And imagine if we had sided, in thiscountry, with decorum and courtesy throughout our history. You know, I thinkabout the suffragettes. They marched, they picketed. They were chastised, theywere arrested for pursuing the vote for women in the 1920s. You know, I alsothink about the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr., the father of Americannonviolent civil disobedience. He was labeled as uncivil in his attempt topromote racial and economic justice. So I think you get a sense of why civilityhas become a problem, a dirty word, here. Now, does this mean we can'tdisagree, that we can't speak our minds? Absolutely not.

想象一下會怎樣，如果在這個國家，從往至今，我們一直都支持遵守禮節(jié)。我想到了婦女參政論者。她們游行，她們抗議。在20世紀(jì)20年代，她們因為追求婦女的投票權(quán)，而被懲罰，被逮捕。我還想到了馬丁·路德·金牧師，美國非暴力公民不服從運(yùn)動之父。他在努力促進(jìn)種族和經(jīng)濟(jì)公平正義時被貼上了不文明的標(biāo)簽。所以我想你大概有點(diǎn)明白了，為什么“civility”（文明）在這里變成了一個問題，一個骯臟的字眼。這是否說我們不可以有不同的意見，不可以表達(dá)我們的想法呢？絕對不是。

06:11

I recently spoke with Dr. CarolynLukensmeyer. She's kind of the guru of civility in this country, and theexecutive director of a body called the National Institute for Civil Discourse.And she told me, "Civility does not mean appeasement or avoiding importantdifferences. It means listening and talking about those differences withrespect." In a healthy democracy, we need to do that. And I call thatrespectful engagement.

我最近和卡洛琳?魯肯斯梅爾博士交談。她可以說是這個國家的文明大師。她同時也是一個叫國家民聲研究所的機(jī)構(gòu)的執(zhí)行董事。她告訴我，“文明不是指采取綏靖政策或者回避重要分歧，而是指帶著尊重的態(tài)度去傾聽和討論這些分歧。”在一個健康的民主制度中我們需要這樣做。我將其稱之為尊重的了解。

06:39

But civil discourse also needs rules, itneeds boundaries. For instance, there's a difference between language that issimply rude or demeaning, and speech that invokes hatred and intolerance. Andspecifically of groups. And I'm thinking of racial and ethnic groups, I'mthinking of the LGBTQ community, I'm thinking of the disabled. We snowflakescall this speech "hate speech." And hate speech can lead to violence.

但是民聲也需要規(guī)則和界限。比如說，單純的粗魯、貶低人的語言不同于 激發(fā)仇恨和不容忍的言論。尤其那些激發(fā)對整個群體的仇恨和 不容忍的言論。我在想種族與民族群體，我在想LGBTQ社群，我在想殘疾人群體。我們這些敏感細(xì)膩的人稱這種言論為仇恨言論。仇恨言論可以導(dǎo)致暴力。

07:11

So, to that point, in the fall of 2018, Iwrote a column about Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. You may remember her, she wasone of the women who accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexualassault. And among the responses, I received this message, a personal message,which you can see here on the slide. It's been largely redacted.

2018年的秋季，我寫了一篇關(guān)于克里斯汀·布拉西·福特博士 的專欄文章。你們也許記得她。她是指控最高法院大法官提名人 布雷特·卡瓦諾對其性侵 的女性之一。在各種回復(fù)中，我收到了這條信息，一條私人信息。在這張幻燈片上你們可以看到許多內(nèi)容都已經(jīng)被刪減。

07:35

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

07:37

This message was 50 words long. 10 of themwere the f-bomb. And the Democrats were called out, President Obama was calledout, and I was referred to in a pretty darn vulgar and coarse way. There was anexplicit threat in that message, and that is why my editors at The Post sent itto authorities. This came shortly before the pipe bombs were sent to othermedia outlets, so everybody was really kind of on guard there. And the largercontext was, only a few months before, five staffers had been killed at a Marylandnewspaper. They had been shot dead by a reader with a grudge. "Shut up orelse."

這條信息含有50個詞，其中有10個都以F開頭。民主黨人被提到了，奧巴馬總統(tǒng)被提到了。我也被以一個相當(dāng)讓人難受、下流、粗俗的方式提到了。在那條信息中有一個公開的威脅。正因如此，我在華盛頓郵報的編輯把它發(fā)送給了官方。這是在管道炸彈被寄到其他媒體之前不久發(fā)生的，所以每個人都相當(dāng)警惕。而更大的背景是，僅在幾個月之前，五個員工在馬里蘭的一家報社被殺害。他們被一個有怨恨的讀者槍殺了?！伴]嘴，不然的話?！?/p>

08:21

And it was around that same time that adifferent reader of mine started stalking me online. And at first, it was ...I'll call it light and fluffy. It was around this time last year and I stillhad my Christmas decorations up and he sent me a message saying, "Youshould take your Christmas decorations down." And then he noticed that mydog was off leash one day, and then he commented that I had gone to the market.And then he wrote me one that said, "If anyone were to shoot and kill you,it would not be a loss at all." I wish that were the end of the story.Because then, a few months later, he came to my door, my front door, in a rageand tried to break the door down. I now own mace, a security system and aLouisville Slugger baseball bat.

大概是在同一時間，我的另一位讀者開始在網(wǎng)上跟蹤我。剛開始的時候，情況比較……我會說比較輕微。然后大概是去年的這個時候，我還沒有撤掉我的圣誕節(jié)裝飾。他給我發(fā)一條信息說：“你應(yīng)該把你的圣誕節(jié)裝飾撤下來了”。接著他提醒我有一天我的狗沒拴好繩子，再接著他評論說我之前去過市場。之后他給我發(fā)一條信息告訴我：“如果任何人想要給你幾槍殺了你，完全沒有任何損失可言”。我希望這就是故事的結(jié)尾。因為幾個月之后，他憤怒地沖到我家門前，正門前，試圖破門而入?，F(xiàn)在我有自己的催淚噴霧，保安系統(tǒng)和一根路易斯維爾·斯拉格的棒球棒。

09:09

(Sighs)

（嘆息）

09:11

"Shut up or else."

“閉嘴，不然的話?！?/p>

09:13

So, what's to be done to forestall civilityfrom turning ugly, from turning violent? My first rule is to deescalatelanguage. And I've stopped using trigger words in print. And by trigger words,I mean "homophobe," I mean "racist," I mean"xenophobe," I mean "sexist." All of those words. They setpeople off. They're incendiary and they do not allow us to find common ground.They do not allow us to find a common heart.

那么，我們應(yīng)該做些什么才能防止文明變得丑陋，變得暴力呢？我的第一條規(guī)則是給語言降級。在我的文章里我已經(jīng)不再使用觸發(fā)詞了。所謂觸發(fā)詞，我指的是“仇同性戀者”，我指“種族主義者”，我指“仇外者”，我指“性別歧視者”。所有的這些詞，它們都會觸發(fā)、引爆人們的情緒。它們具有煽動性。它們阻止我們找到共同點(diǎn)。它們阻止我們找到共同心。

09:42

And so to this point, when John McCain diedin 2018, his supporters noted that he never made personal attacks. But hisopponents agreed as well, and I though that was what was really noteworthy. Hechallenged people's policies, he challenged their positions, but he never madeit personal. And so that's the second rule.

當(dāng)約翰·麥凱恩在2018年過世時，他的支持者們指出他從來沒有進(jìn)行過個人攻擊，而他的反對者們對此也沒有異議。我認(rèn)為這一點(diǎn)非常難能可貴。他挑戰(zhàn)人們的政策，他挑戰(zhàn)人們的立場，但他從來不針對個人。而這也正是我的第二條規(guī)則。

10:04

So the problem of civility is not only anAmerican one. In the Netherlands, there are calls for a civility offensive rightnow, and as one Dutch philosopher has put it, the country has fallen under aspell of "verhuftering." Now, this is not a word that I knew beforeand I did quite a bit of research. It loosely means bullying and thedisappearance of good manners. It actually means much worse than that, butthat's what I'm saying here. When you have a specific word, though, to describea problem like that, you know you really have a problem.

文明的問題不是一個美國獨(dú)有的問題。在荷蘭，現(xiàn)在正有人要求發(fā)起文明進(jìn)攻。正如一個荷蘭哲學(xué)家所指出，這個國家已經(jīng)被下了一個叫“verhuftering”的咒語。這個詞我之前是不認(rèn)識的，對此我做了相當(dāng)多的功課。它大致上可以理解為欺凌和良好舉止的消失。它的實際意思還要糟糕許多，但這是我在這里要說的。當(dāng)你可以找到一個特定的詞來描述一個問題時，你就知道了你的的確確是有一個問題。

10:38

And in the United Kingdom, the [2016]Brexit vote ... you know, has divided a nation even more so. And one critic ofthe breakup called those who favor it -- I just love this phrase -- "thefrightened parochial lizard brain of Britain." The frightened parochiallizard brain of Britain. That's personal. And it makes me miss "DowntonAbbey" and its patina of civility.

而在英國，2016年的脫歐投票，你們知道，更是分化了一個國家。一個批評英國脫歐的人把那些支持脫歐的人稱作，我超喜歡這個表達(dá)，“英國狹隘受驚的蜥蜴腦”。英國狹隘受驚的蜥蜴腦，這是針對個人的。它讓我懷念起《唐頓莊園》和里面文明的氣息。

11:09

But therein lies the third rule: don'tmistake decorum for civility. Even if you have a dowager countess as fabulousas Dame Maggie Smith.

但那里藏著第三條規(guī)則：不要錯把繁文縟節(jié)當(dāng)做文明。即便是由瑪吉·史密斯女爵士來扮演驚艷的老伯爵夫人。

11:18

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

11:19

[Don't be defeatist. It's so middle class.]

[別當(dāng)一個失敗主義者，那樣太中產(chǎn)階級了。]

11:21

So let me end with one last story. Not thatlong ago, I was at a bakery, and they make these amazing scones. So, long line-- there are a lot of scones. And one by one, the scones were disappearinguntil there was one woman in between me and that last scone.

讓我用最后一個故事來收尾。不久前，我在一個面包店，里面出售非常美味的司康餅。排隊的人很多，司康餅也很多。但是一個接著一個，司康餅不斷消失。等到我前面排隊的還剩一位女士的時候，司康餅也只剩下一個了。

11:35

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

11:37

Praise the Lord, she said, "I'll havea croissant."

謝天謝地，她說：“我要個羊角面包?！?/p>

11:39

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

11:41

So when it became my turn, I said,"I'll take that scone." The guy behind me -- I'd never turned around,never seen him -- he shouted, "That's my scone! I've been waiting in line20 minutes." And I was like, "Who are you? I've been waiting in line20 minutes, and you're behind me." So, I grew up here in New York, andwent to high school not that far from here. And I may seem, you know, verycivil here and so on, but I can hip check anybody for a taxicab in this room,on these streets. So I was surprised when I said to this guy ... "Wouldyou like half?" "Would you like half?" I didn't think about it,it just came out. And then, he was very puzzled, and I could see his facechange and he said to me, "Well, how about if I buy another pastry and we'llshare both of them?" And he did, and we did. And we sat and talked. We hadnothing in common.

所以等輪到我的時候，我說：“我要那個司康餅。”站在我后面的那個男人，我本來絕對不會轉(zhuǎn)過身看他。他大叫道：“那是我的司康餅！我已經(jīng)排隊排了20分鐘了?！蔽耶?dāng)時想：“你是誰??？我也排隊排了20分鐘，而且你排在我后面?！蔽以诩~約這里長大，我的高中離這里不遠(yuǎn)。我也許看起來，你們知道，很文明什么的。但我可以用屁股功和這間屋子里的任何一個人在馬路上搶一輛計程車。所以當(dāng)我對那個男人脫口而出“你想要一半嗎？”“你想要一半嗎？”的時候，我自己非常驚訝。我根本想都沒想，那句話就這么從我嘴里冒出來了。結(jié)果，他也猛地楞了一下，我可以看見他神情的變化。接著他對我說：“這么著吧，你看我再買個其他的糕點(diǎn)，然后我們一起分享兩個糕點(diǎn)怎么樣？”結(jié)果他真另外買了一個糕點(diǎn)，我們也真一起分享了兩個糕點(diǎn)。我們坐了下來開始聊天。我們沒有任何共同點(diǎn)。

12:37

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

12:39

We had nothing in common: nationality,sexual orientation, occupation. But through this moment of kindness, throughthis moment of connection, we developed a friendship, we have stayed in touch.

我們沒有任何共同點(diǎn)：國籍，性取向，職業(yè)。但是通過這個善意的瞬間, 通過這個銜接的瞬間, 我們發(fā)展起了一段友誼，我們現(xiàn)在還保持聯(lián)系。

12:50

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

12:52

Although he was appalled to learn that I'mcalled the Civilist after that.

雖然說當(dāng)他后來得知我被稱為文明主義者時相當(dāng)驚恐。

12:55

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

12:57

But I call this the joy of civility. Thejoy of civility. And it led me to wonder, what is the good we forgo, not justthe trouble we avoid, when we choose to be uncivil. And by good, I meanfriendship, I mean connection. I mean sharing 1000 calories. But I also mean itin a larger way. You know, as communities and as a country and as a world. Whatare we missing out on?

但我將這樣的經(jīng)歷稱為文明的樂趣。文明的樂趣。它引導(dǎo)我去思忖這樣一個問題：當(dāng)我們選擇不文明的時候，在避免了一些麻煩的同時，我們錯過了什么好處？所謂好處，我指友誼，我指銜接，我指分享1000卡路里。但我也指一些更大意義上的好處。作為社區(qū)，作為一個國家，作為一個世界，我們錯過了什么？

13:23

So, today, we are engaged in a great civilwar of ideas and identity. And we have no rules for them. You know, there arerules for war. Think about the Geneva Conventions. They ensure that everysoldier is treated humanely, on and off the battlefield. So, frankly, I thinkwe need a Geneva Convention of civility, to set the rules for discourse for theparameters of that. To help us become better citizens of our communities and ofour countries.

今天，我們正在圍繞思想和身份展開一場重大內(nèi)戰(zhàn)。而我們沒有規(guī)則可循。你們知道，戰(zhàn)爭是有規(guī)則的。想一想日內(nèi)瓦公約，公約確保每個士兵都得到人道待遇，無論是在戰(zhàn)場上還是下了戰(zhàn)場。所以，直白地說，我認(rèn)為我們需要一個日內(nèi)瓦文明公約。來給時下的辯論提供一套制約規(guī)則，來幫助我們成為我們的社區(qū)和我們的國家的更好的公民。

13:54

And if I have anything to say about it, Iwould base those rules on the original definition of civility, from the Latinand from the French. Civility: citizens willing to give of themselves for thegreater good. For the good of the city. So I think civility, with thatunderstanding, is not a dirty word. And I hope the civilist will not become, orwill not stay, obsolete.

如果關(guān)于這個公約我有什么要說的，我會要求把所有規(guī)則建立在“civility”（文明）的本意上，來自于拉丁語和法語的本意。那就是：愿意為了更大的利益，為了城市的利益而奉獻(xiàn)自己的公民。所以我想，如果我們這樣理解“civility”（文明），它便不再是一個骯臟的詞。我希望文明主義者不要過時，或者繼續(xù)過時。

14:20

Thank you.

謝謝。

14:21

(Applause)

(掌聲)