人生不設(shè)限·第六章 跟恐懼做朋友

我生平第一次，也是唯一一次打架的對(duì)象叫“恰吉”，他是我們小學(xué)頭號(hào)的惡霸。他其實(shí)并不叫恰吉，只是那一頭橘色亂發(fā)、臉上的雀斑和大耳朵，就跟恐怖電影里的鬼娃恰吉一個(gè)樣。為了保護(hù)他，我就叫他恰吉吧。

My first and only playground fight was with Chucky, the biggest bully in my grade school. His real name wasn't Chucky, but he had fiery orange hair, freckles, and big ears like the teen-horror-movie Chucky, so I'll call him that to protect the guilty.

恰吉是第一個(gè)讓我感受到深切恐懼的人。我們一輩子都在處理恐懼這個(gè)問(wèn)題，無(wú)論是真實(shí)的或想象出來(lái)的。曼德拉說(shuō)過(guò)，勇敢的人不是去感受恐懼，而是去戰(zhàn)勝恐懼。每當(dāng)恰吉試圖扁我的時(shí)候，我是真的感受到恐懼，但戰(zhàn)勝恐懼又是另外一回事了。

Chucky was the first person to put serious fear in my heart. We all deal with fears throughout our lives, both real and imagined. Nelson Mandela said the brave man is not the one who feels fear but the one who conquers it. I certainly felt fear when Chucky tried to knock my block off, but conquering it was another matter.

你我的恐懼都是一份禮物，但當(dāng)時(shí)我不可能相信這件事。人類(lèi)最基本的恐懼，例如怕火、怕跌倒、怕咆哮的野獸等，都反映到我們身上，成了生存手段。所以有這些恐懼還是值得高興的，只是千萬(wàn)別讓這些恐懼占了上風(fēng)。

You couldn't have convinced me of it back then, but your fears and mine are really a gift. Our most basic fears, such as the fear of fire, fear of falling, and the fear of roaring beasts, are hardwired into us as survival tools. So be glad for those fears and own them, but don't let them own you.

恐懼太多不是好事。我們常常因?yàn)楹ε率』蚴⒑ε卤痪芙^，就停住不敢行動(dòng)。我們并未真正去面對(duì)這些恐懼，反而對(duì)它們舉白旗，然后自我設(shè)限。

Too much fear is not good. Too often our fears of failing or being disappointed or being rejected paralyze us. Rather than face those fears, we surrender to them and limit ourselves.

別讓恐懼阻止你追求夢(mèng)想。你應(yīng)該把恐懼當(dāng)作煙霧警報(bào)器，當(dāng)它發(fā)出聲響時(shí)，要注意觀(guān)察四周有什么狀況，看看是不是真的有危險(xiǎn)，或者只是發(fā)出警告。如果沒(méi)有出現(xiàn)真正的威脅，就把恐懼放下，繼續(xù)過(guò)你的人生。

Don't let fear keep you from chasing your dreams. You should treat fear like you treat your smoke detector. Pay attention to it when it goes off—look around and see if there is real danger or just the alarm ringing. If there is no real threat, put fear out of your mind and go on with your life.

小學(xué)時(shí)期讓我十分痛苦的恰吉教會(huì)我如何克服恐懼，然后向前走，不過(guò)這是在我小時(shí)候第一次，也是最后一次打架之后才有的感悟。我在學(xué)校人緣很好，就算最難搞的孩子都是我的朋友，不過(guò)恰吉顯然是直接從霸王工廠(chǎng)出來(lái)的。他是個(gè)危險(xiǎn)的家伙，整天在找下手的對(duì)象;他的個(gè)子比我高——不過(guò)，學(xué)校的其他人也都比我高大就是了。

Chucky, my grade-school tormentor, taught me to conquer my fear and move on, but only after the first and last fight of my childhood. I was friends with almost everyone in my school, even the tough kids. Chucky, though, was straight out of the bully factory. He was an insecure kid always on the prowl for someone to pick on. He was bigger than me, but then so was everyone else in the school.

我對(duì)任何人應(yīng)該都沒(méi)有威脅性。我不過(guò)是個(gè)小學(xué)一年級(jí)學(xué)生，體重不到十公斤，還坐在輪椅上。恰吉大了我好幾歲，而且跟我比起來(lái)，他簡(jiǎn)直就是個(gè)巨人。

I wasn't exactly a threat to anyone. I was a mere first grader, all of twenty-two pounds, and in a wheelchair. Chucky was a couple years older and a giant compared to me.

“我賭你沒(méi)辦法打架。”某天早上的下課時(shí)間，他向我挑釁。

"I bet you can't fight," he said one day during morning recess.

因?yàn)榕笥讯荚?，我就一臉勇敢的樣子，不過(guò)我記得那時(shí)心里其實(shí)在想：我都已經(jīng)坐在輪椅上了，他的身高還相當(dāng)于我的兩倍，情況真的很不妙。

My friends were there, so I put on a brave face, but I remember thinking: I'm in my wheelchair, and he's still twice as tall as me. This is not a promising situation.

“我賭我能打。”這是我當(dāng)時(shí)所能想到的最好回應(yīng)。

"Bet ya I can" was the best response I could come up with.

我那樣說(shuō)并不表示我有很多打架的經(jīng)驗(yàn)。我來(lái)自一個(gè)虔誠(chéng)的基督徒家庭，從小就被教導(dǎo)說(shuō)暴力不能解決問(wèn)題。但我不膽怯，我跟弟弟和堂兄弟們可是一起練過(guò)摔跤的，我弟弟亞倫到現(xiàn)在都還對(duì)我的摔跤絕招津津樂(lè)道。在亞倫長(zhǎng)得比我高大之前，我可以摔得他滿(mǎn)地打滾，然后光用下巴就可以把他的手臂壓住。

It wasn't like I had a lot of experience with fighting. I was from a strong Christian family. I'd been taught that violence was not the answer, but I wasn't a wimp. I'd done a lot of wrestling with my brother and cousins. My little brother still talks about my best wrestling move. Before Aaron grew to be much bigger and taller than me, I could roll him around on the floor and then pin his arm down with my chin.

“你那強(qiáng)壯的下巴幾乎可以折斷我的手臂呢。”他說(shuō)，“不過(guò)當(dāng)我長(zhǎng)大、長(zhǎng)高之后，只要用手推你的額頭，你就沒(méi)辦法靠近我了。”

"You could almost break my arm off with that strong chin of yours," he says. "But then when I got older and bigger, all I had to do was push my hand against your forehead and you couldn't get near me."

這就是我面對(duì)恰吉時(shí)的問(wèn)題所在。我并不是害怕跟他打上一架，只是不知道該怎么打。我看電視或電影里的人打架，通常都會(huì)拳打或腳踢，但這兩個(gè)動(dòng)作所需要的主要硬件我都沒(méi)有。

That was the problem that I faced with Chucky. I wasn't afraid to fight him, I just didn't know how to get the job done. Every fight I'd seen on television or at the movies involved someone punching or kicking someone else. I lacked the essential hardware for both those moves.

不過(guò)這個(gè)理由好像無(wú)法讓恰吉打消念頭。

None of this seemed to put off Chucky.

“如果你能打，就證明給我看。”他說(shuō)道。

If you can fi ght, prove it! he said.

“好，午餐時(shí)間‘橢圓’見(jiàn)。”我吼叫著。

"Okay, meet me on the Oval at lunchtime," I snarled.

“一言為定。”恰吉說(shuō)，“你最好給我出現(xiàn)。”

"Done," Chucky said. "You'd better be there."

“橢圓”是一棟蛋形的水泥建筑，矗立在學(xué)校的草坪和操場(chǎng)中央，在那里打架，就好像在馬戲團(tuán)最中間那一圈打架一樣引人注目。“橢圓”算是我們學(xué)校的主舞臺(tái)，在那里發(fā)生的事肯定會(huì)傳出去;如果我在那個(gè)地方兩三下就被人家撂倒，所有人大概一輩子都忘不掉這件事。

The Oval was an egg-shaped patch of concrete in the middle of our grass and dirt playground. Fighting there was like fighting in the center ring of our school circus. The Oval was our main stage. What happened in the Oval didn't stay in the Oval. If I got whupped in the Oval, I'd never live it down.

那天上的是拼字、地理和數(shù)學(xué)課，但整個(gè)上午我都在煩惱和學(xué)校霸王的午餐約會(huì)。我單挑恰吉的消息已經(jīng)無(wú)法控制地傳出去了，每個(gè)人都想知道我的攻擊計(jì)劃是什么——其實(shí)，我自己也很想知道。

All through the morning's spelling, geography, and math classes I fretted about my lunchtime appointment with the school bully. It didn't help that word had spread throughout the school that I was taking on Chucky. Everybody wanted to know my plan of attack. I had no clue.

我一直想象著恰吉一拳就把我擊倒的場(chǎng)面。我祈禱最好有老師發(fā)現(xiàn)這件事，然后在我們開(kāi)打之前就來(lái)阻止。不過(guò)，我的運(yùn)氣沒(méi)那么好。

I kept envisioning Chucky punching my lights out. I prayed that some teacher would find out and stop the fight before we started. No such luck.

讓人害怕的時(shí)刻終于到了。午餐的鐘聲響起，我們這邊的人推著我的輪椅，沉默地往“橢圓”前進(jìn)。全校差不多一半的學(xué)生都在那里，有人帶了午餐來(lái)，有人則是在打賭。

The dreaded hour arrived. The lunch bell sounded. My posse gathered around my wheelchair, and we rolled to the Oval in silence. Half the school was there. Some brought their lunches. A few were taking bets.

你應(yīng)該猜得到，一開(kāi)始大家都是賭我輸。

As you might guess, I was the decided underdog in the early betting.

“準(zhǔn)備好要打一架了嗎?”恰吉問(wèn)我。

"You ready to fight?" said Chucky.

我點(diǎn)頭，但我實(shí)在不知道要怎么個(gè)打法。

I nodded yes, but I had no idea how this would go down.

恰吉也不太知道。

Chucky wasn't so sure either.

“哦，那我們?cè)撛趺醋?”他問(wèn)道。

Uh, how we gonna do this? he asked.

“我不曉得。”我回答。

"I don't know," I said.

“你總得離開(kāi)輪椅吧?”他要求著，“你坐在輪椅里對(duì)我不公平。”

"You gotta get out of your wheelchair," he demanded. "It isn't fair with you in the wheelchair."

恰吉顯然是怕我打帶跑[18]，這倒是給了我一個(gè)協(xié)商的切入點(diǎn)。打架我不在行，不過(guò)，談判我可是挺厲害的。

Apparently Chucky feared a hit and run. This gave me a negotiating point. Fighting was not my cup of tea, but I was already a good negotiator.

“如果我離開(kāi)輪椅，那你得跪著才行。”我說(shuō)。

"If I get out of this chair, you have to get on your knees," I said.

單挑一個(gè)坐輪椅的，已經(jīng)讓恰吉被嘲笑了，因此他同意我的提議。于是，我這位強(qiáng)壯的對(duì)手雙膝跪地，我也從輪椅上跳下來(lái)，準(zhǔn)備迎戰(zhàn)——如果我知道沒(méi)有拳頭該怎么打架的話(huà)。

Chucky was being razzed about picking on a kid in a wheelchair. He went along with my counterdemand. My stocky foe dropped to his knees, and I hopped out of my chair, ready for my big Crocodile Dundee moment—if only I could figure out how to go about fighting without fists.

我的意思是，這個(gè)總不會(huì)叫作“肩膀戰(zhàn)”[19]，對(duì)吧?

I mean, they don't call it a "shoulder fight," do they?

當(dāng)我和恰吉繞著對(duì)方移動(dòng)時(shí)，周?chē)呀?jīng)擠了一大群人。到這時(shí)候，我心里還在想，恰吉不會(huì)來(lái)真的吧?誰(shuí)會(huì)低級(jí)到去攻擊一個(gè)沒(méi)手沒(méi)腳的小孩子呢?

The lunchtime crowd ringed around us as Chucky and I circled each other. I was still thinking that he wouldn't possibly go through with it. Who would be so low as to hit a little kid with no arms and no legs?

我班上的女生大叫：“力克不要，他會(huì)打傷你。”

Girls in my class were crying, "Nicky, don't do it. He'll hurt you."

這句話(huà)卻刺激到我了，誰(shuí)要女生可憐啊?我的男性自尊進(jìn)場(chǎng)了。我直接走向恰吉，想著可以踢他的屁股。

That got to me. I didn't want girl pity. My macho pride kicked in. I walked right up to Chucky like I knew I could kick his butt.

恰吉賞了我胸部?jī)捎浻踩?，我向后跌倒，頭下腳上，像一袋馬鈴薯似的重重摔落在水泥地上。

He gave me a double stiff arm to the chest, and I went backward arse over earlobes, flopping onto the concrete like a sack of potatoes.

我目瞪口呆!我從來(lái)不曾被這樣擊倒過(guò)，痛死我了!更慘的是，這實(shí)在太丟人了。同學(xué)在我身旁擠成一團(tuán)，大家都嚇壞了。女生更是大哭起來(lái)，緊閉雙眼，不想看到這樣可憐的景象。

Chucky had gobsmacked me! I'd never been knocked down like that. It hurt! But the embarrassment was far worse. My schoolmates huddled over me, horrified. Girls cried out, shielding their eyes from what they thought was a pitiful sight.

我頓時(shí)了解到，這家伙真的想傷害我。我翻過(guò)身來(lái)，額頭壓著地面，再用肩膀頂住輪椅，趁勢(shì)讓自己立起身來(lái)。這個(gè)技巧讓我有個(gè)硬得起繭的額頭和有力的脖子，這兩樣就足以迅速讓恰吉落敗吧。

This bloke is really trying to hurt me, I realized. I flipped over and pressed my forehead to the ground. Then I leveraged a shoulder against my wheelchair to get myself upright. This technique made for a calloused forehead and a very strong neck, qualities that would soon spell Chucky's downfall.

我很確定，恰吉對(duì)于打敗我一點(diǎn)都不會(huì)內(nèi)疚。我要么攻擊，要么逃跑，但眼前我不太可能溜之大吉。

I had no doubt: Chucky had no qualms about kicking my butt. It was fight or flight, and flight wasn't a realistic option.

我重新攻向恰吉，這次還帶著一股速度前進(jìn)。連跳三次之后，我來(lái)到恰吉面前，不過(guò)在我還沒(méi)想好下一步該怎么做之前，他一拳直接打了上來(lái)，就這樣一只伸長(zhǎng)的手臂“砰”的一聲打在我胸口上。我猛然倒地，還彈起來(lái)一次——好吧，或許是兩次。

I charged Chucky again, with a bit more speed behind me this time. Three hops, and I was right in front of him. But before I could think what to do next, Chucky nailed me with a straight arm. Just one arm bam to the chest, and I slammed to the ground. I even bounced once. Okay, maybe twice.

我的頭結(jié)結(jié)實(shí)實(shí)地撞在冰冷無(wú)情的地面上，眼前一片黑。一個(gè)女孩的尖叫聲讓我恢復(fù)意識(shí)。

My head conked on the hard-hearted Oval. The world faded to black. A shrieking girl quickly brought me back to my senses.

我祈禱會(huì)有見(jiàn)義勇為的老師出現(xiàn)。為什么當(dāng)你需要訓(xùn)導(dǎo)主任之類(lèi)的人時(shí)，卻永遠(yuǎn)找不到呢?

I prayed for the teacher cavalry. Why can you never find an assistant principal when you need one?

最后，我的視線(xiàn)終于清楚了些，看見(jiàn)邪惡的恰吉在我身邊來(lái)回走動(dòng)。這個(gè)肥臉的渾球兒正跳著勝利之舞。

Finally my vision cleared, and there was the evil Chucky hovering over me. The fat-faced mongrel was doing a victory dance.

我受夠了。我要擺平這個(gè)家伙!

That does it. I'm laying this bloke out!

我翻轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)來(lái)，腹部著地，然后用額頭抵著，再一次起身，準(zhǔn)備進(jìn)行最后一擊。我的腎上腺素加速分泌，這一次，我使盡吃奶的力氣快速?zèng)_向恰吉，快得出乎他意料。

I flipped onto my stomach, planted my forehead, and raised myself up for a final charge. My adrenaline was pumping. This time I galloped at him as fast as I could go, which was a lot faster than Chucky had anticipated.

他開(kāi)始跪著向后退。我利用左腳推進(jìn)，一個(gè)飛躍，把自己像人肉飛彈一樣射向他。我飛起來(lái)的頭部不偏不倚地撞上恰吉的鼻子，他倒了下去。接著我降落在他身上，然后開(kāi)始打滾。

He'd started to backpedal on his knees. I took a flying leap, using my left foot to launch myself like a human missile. My flying head butted Chucky smack in the nose. He went down. I landed on top of him and rolled.

當(dāng)我抬頭往上看時(shí)，發(fā)現(xiàn)恰吉整個(gè)人平躺在地上，手捂著鼻子，失控大哭。

When I looked up, Chucky was sprawled on the ground, holding his nose and bawling uncontrollably.

我感受不到勝利的喜悅，反而充滿(mǎn)罪惡感。我這個(gè)牧師之子立刻懇求原諒：“很抱歉，你還好嗎?”

Instead of feeling victorious, I was overcome by guilt. The pastor's son begged for forgiveness: "I'm so sorry, are you okay?"

“啊，恰吉流血了!”一個(gè)女孩叫了起來(lái)。

"Look, Chucky's bleeding!" a girl cried.

不會(huì)吧?我心想。

No way, I thought.

果然，恰吉的鼻血正從他粗短的手指之間流出。他拿開(kāi)手，頓時(shí)血流滿(mǎn)面，鮮紅色的血還沾到他的襯衫上。

But sure enough, blood from Chucky's nose was leaking through his pudgy fingers. He took his hand away, and it poured down his face and stained his shirt in bright red.

一半的觀(guān)眾開(kāi)始?xì)g呼，另一半則覺(jué)得真丟人——為恰吉感到丟臉，畢竟他剛剛被一個(gè)沒(méi)手沒(méi)腳的家伙打敗了。這件事肯定沒(méi)人忘得掉，恰吉的霸王時(shí)代結(jié)束了。他用手捏住鼻子，沖向廁所。

Half the crowd was cheering. The other half was mortified—for Chucky. After all, he'd just been beat up by a shrimp with no arms or legs. He would never live this down. Chucky's bullying days were over. He pinched his nose with his fingers and scurried into the bathroom.

老實(shí)說(shuō)，我再也沒(méi)有見(jiàn)過(guò)他，他一定是羞愧得休學(xué)了。恰吉，如果你看到本文，我要跟你說(shuō)對(duì)不起，也希望不再欺負(fù)別人的你，日子過(guò)得很好。

Honestly, I never saw him again. He must have quit school in shame. Chucky, if you are out there, I'm sorry, and I hope you have had a good post-bully life.

那天我捍衛(wèi)了自己，覺(jué)得很驕傲，但又深感罪惡。放學(xué)后一進(jìn)家門(mén)，我就跟爸爸、媽媽作檢討。本來(lái)我怕會(huì)受到嚴(yán)厲的處罰，結(jié)果根本不用擔(dān)心，爸爸、媽媽完全不相信有這種事，他們就是不認(rèn)為我有可能打敗一個(gè)比我高大、年長(zhǎng)又四肢健全的小伙子。

I was proud of sticking up for myself but burdened by guilt. After school I went home and confessed to my parents as soon as I walked in the door. I was dreading a severe punishment. But I had no need to be worried. Dad and mum didn't believe me! They simply did not think it possible that I'd beaten up a bigger, older, and fully-equipped bloke!

不過(guò)，我也沒(méi)那么想讓他們相信就是了。

I didn't try to convince them otherwise.

盡管很多人喜歡聽(tīng)這個(gè)故事，而且從某些方面來(lái)說(shuō)它還蠻有趣的，但我就連提到這段往事感受都很復(fù)雜，因?yàn)槲蚁騺?lái)不崇尚暴力，我相信柔弱是被保留的力量。我會(huì)永遠(yuǎn)記得我第一次，也是唯一一次打架，因?yàn)槲野l(fā)現(xiàn)當(dāng)事態(tài)變得嚴(yán)重時(shí)，我能夠克服恐懼，尤其在那個(gè)年紀(jì)，知道自己有能力保護(hù)自己的感覺(jué)很好。我學(xué)到了我可以柔弱，因?yàn)槲乙呀?jīng)汲取了自己內(nèi)在的力量。

As much as people enjoy hearing this story and as funny as certain aspects of it are, I have mixed feelings about even telling it, since I don't advocate violence. I believe meekness is strength withheld. I'll always remember my first—and only—fight because I discovered that when push came to shove, I could overcome my fears. At that age especially, it felt good to know that I had the strength to defend myself. I guess you could say I learned that I could afford to be meek because I had tapped the strength inside me.